Me and the Angels

Printer-friendly versionSend by email

Yesterday I bought myself a new pair of glasses.1.5 points stronger than my normal 2.5 ones and read to my absolute shock I had written somewhere I was 57. I am NOT, I am 67. Now I don't worry too much about age but 70 is somethinh else!. That really is old or sounds bloody old when asked:. 'How old are you Sir? I'm 70. No fucking way!

Mary and Joseph

I'll be in Heaven at 70 running around like an idiot teaching stupid but lovely angels how to paint. They'll be floating around the canvasses as they have wings and very clean and tender feet. All painting their Mother the Virgin (ha-ha-ha) Mary and daddy Joseph.

Every so often I'll pop in to see how Jesus is faring, he is after all 2013 years old and also see if His mum needs some help.She's about 2034. Also I'll visit Magdalena's house of Pleasure. Now a huge fully carpeted brothel with gorgeous Siberian, French and Dutch prostitutes and eunugs.

All without sex organs naturally as angels don't have dickies but they all love playing their flutes and harpsichords.

And playing with their ping-pong balls for they say anyway it is good to throw each other their ping-pong balls. And having their wings brushed and bleached by each other. And their ears cleaned. Funny lot those angels, what am I saying for Heavens sake? I AM AN ANGEL!!!!!

I am the Angel, St. Paul of Cairns.

And I like doing things I wouldn't even tell my friend the devil is alowed to know about.

Like have a cigarette and cold beer or six, twelve on Sundays!!!. I'll tell you about the Devil later on. He's a nice guy, likes the horses and poker machines and speaks with an Australian accent.

Maria, now she  is still married to Joseph and they DO have their organs and still produce about 5 new angels every 6 years. Jesus, their first one has a very hard job. Not only the Boss and Mayor of this Heavenly entrepreneurial place, he has a cross to bear with all those damned unions fighting for more time to paint and flutter and whisper in the ears of the Earthlings. That is the main other job of us Saints, to influence you lovely Earthlings. Unless you're Syrians as they are boring us to tears at the moment shooting at each other and bombing their houses to pieces! All in the name od Allah.

But Heaven is a lovely place accept for those bloody mathematics classes. Day 1-Monday, not too bad. A nice bowl of cherries and a McDonald's. Day 2 is Tuesday: Great, we can go swimming naked in the Nile. Day 3: Bloody boring as we have to reread for the millionth time the 10 Commandments. Day 4: Lovely, as we can eat as much custard filled cakes with Passion fruit. Day 5: Fish from morning till night, weather you like it or not. And I, Saint Paul hate those slimy silvery things. Day 6: The day we have to work out that twelve eggs fit into an egg carton. Don't ask me why. That is Heavenly Wisdom in a nut shell.

It is as difficult to convince some Christians they are not the only ones with the wisdom and know how of God!!! That took ages and ages to work out. First we had boxes with 9 eggs but they didn't mix or tally with the other angels. Always one or two  angels were crying their blue bloody eyes out and flapping their wings so hard it caused on Earth hurricanes, thus more angels up here, with broken noses and sore backs! And more books of Wisdom they wanted to write and make me read!!!!

White angel

Now that was all about Heaven. I got there by the skin of my teeth as I committed an earlier exit than planned and that is strictly against the rules. You go to Heaven when God wants you up there but Michael Angelo was found in an embarrassing situation with Leonardo da Vinci, for the 50 th time and was sent down to Earth. So I in my own way blackmailed God! And that made it easier for us as Michael and Leonardo are God's favourites so we used that as a little Godly permitted pressure. Hell wasn't all that bad either. It was in Florida and had a good casino and nice bars with cold beer and cigarettes. Not like in Heaven, they only had warm English beer and marijuana. To each his like, no ?

But Earth had its fun. It had all the good and bad things. As long as you were not too poor or not from Africa. The poor Africans still had that stigma they were owned by the others, the Arabs, Dutch, Portuguese, Spaniards and ultimately the Americans, from the North and the South. But a quick marriage or rape from a white fellow made it all ok. And anyway, the Africans in the rest of the world were as happy as a Samba dancer NOT to be in Africa!!!!.

That world was, and I mean Earth, not my Heaven, was very well organised. People spoke with different accents so we knew if they were good of better people. Some had lovely titles like Dukes or Princes others had the honorary title of labourer, usually with lovely muscles until they dropped dead at 35 but their wives had about 20 other kids to take over the tilling of the Duke's land.


Of course there was shocking poverty and terrible sicknesses but that was life. Sicknesses were very democratic, the Plague, flue and tuberculosis, still very present in Papua New Guinea Clemens just told me, bothered everybody but hunger only the majority of toilers.

But history has a strange way of behaving and it invented democracy for nearly all. In the 17 or 18th Century somebody came up with the idea we couldn't own another person so slavery was abolished in the Western World. Wasn't that Abraham Lincoln? Henry Ford had good running factories in the Americas and the Japanese were also pretty clever. Then this bloody Austrian/German man named Adolph Hitler really went to work. Gosh, did he clean up his part of the world. No more Jews, Gypsies, Coloureds , Gays or mentally retarded people. All had to be eliminated and he did it the true German way; Grundlich. Gas chambers on every corner of the streets!!!!

Red shadow angel

Now this world is run by the Internet. Once upon a time one would write a nice letter to somebody you liked (or disliked). Then came EMail. Now that was great. No more running to the post office and you knew your message would arrive the moment you pushed the SEND button. Now it is silly boring unintelligent and superficial Facebook.

How are U/ I am great! :-) Look at this photo of Brad Pitt! What are you doing today? .Love, P.


But enough about the world called Earth. I am in Heaven and it might be a little boring at times but at least I get my holidays in all the other Heavens. Shit yes, there are millions of Heavens and millions of Gods, Mary's and Joseph's. In some Heavens the angels even have two or three thingies between their legs and I still haven't worked out how they do it.


You see people of Earth, Earthlings as we call you fondly, when you come up here into our Heaven and have done your courses in good manners, arithmetic, religious humbleness and your wings are attached to your shoulder blades and your feet are soaked in hot soapy water for about a week you can flutter as much as you like. Even I will try and consider if I want to give you art lessons. I have given up Centuries ago for you to paint me instead of bloody Mary and Joseph but c'est la vie, n'est pas?


But I was going to tell you about Hell too. So we have Heaven, where I am now, Earth where I just came from and Hell where I was told by everybody I'd go to!!!One of my gods

Hell, as I said is on Earth in Florida, also  in Heaven in the back rooms with the naughty Gods, the Gods with only one star on their forehead instead of a halo. We have a secret place in Heaven and Hell but it is called Purgatory.but  Hell is where all the fun is. Where people do everything they want to do, from being goody-goodies to naughty-naughties to being accountants and dentists. But the most are hard working labourers, happy when working, drunk when home in bed with their wives and happier when playing with their kids in the pub playgrounds. All so simple. Except of course those bloody Americans who thought Prohibition would work. Like now they are trying in some parts of Australia to ban tobacco all together. What a wonderful work opportunities that will give the now drug dealers!!!!! Everybody will have tobacco plants growing every where in every room of their houses. Not like now where we must grow our other plants in the sun outside or go to the next neighbour who has it in abundance BUT tobacco is another story.

But I was talking about Hell. Fast cars, fast food, everywhere red Coca-Cola bottle tops on the ground with empty McDonald's rappings or even sicker Hungry Jacks!!!!!! Here on the right is a 'One starred God' who has so often won at the games be it backgammon, horses or stockexchanges he's covered in starts!!!!

Can you image Hungry Jack packets in Uganda????? Empty and licked clean. A miracle Hungry Jacks doesn't re-import those cardboard boxes.

Coca-Cola most certainly should offers me a nice pocket money for all the tops, as long as they are undamaged and clean!!!!


Good bye, Earthlings, have fun. More than up here although tomorrow I'll be off to another heaven with a funnier God. He has three eyes and speaks French. Not like my God who mumbles in Latin and Greek but loses his temper in Hebrew..


Anyway, if I could come down again from heaven and just be Paul and not Saint Paul I think I'd choose for Hell on Earth. Or is that asking too much?

Just Earth sound too much like a police state with Adolphs every where, Heaven, well that I know. Great if you like to fly around and go on a mission to Earth to tell all the earthlings what to do and , more fun, what not to do and Hell, well that is what I remember best.

Anyway, must stop now as God is calling for his daily Praise and then hop into the back room with the one-starred Gods and play Backgammon. And ping-pong with the others.


Do ALL angels lose their penis or can some still have a little fun. Not that I want to because I am 57, no 67 but if I were 27, what then???? Are all men in Heaven when they are Saints automatically de-sexed??? Just a question. What a waste for some younger ones, aye?



A few hours later

Psychedelic Budha

Not Saint Paul any more. Wide awake and the clock doesn't seem to be moving much. It is now 12.15. Shit, if it wasn't for those bloody anti-abuse pills I'd have a few beers. I think if I ran I'd be just in time for the pub not to close. I'd only have one, or two, or three. Maybe 6 or 12. Or say, now I am feeling like a whole carton!!!! Yes, I swear it. I would. Fuck the rest of the world.

Don't know. Feel terrible. Itchy, my mind cannot stop thinking and totally awake. Ever body in the house is sleeping I think. Closed the door so the dogs wont hop on my bed.

What is this feeling. I cannot describe it. It would love to become Saint Paul. Go into the back garden and open my arms and go to heaven. Bleed slowly to death and feel it come over me like a blessing.

But that would devastate my poor Clemens. I want to cry but cannot. I cannot feel sorry enough for myself. Anyway, I have no tears. Saints or ordinary Pauls don't cry all the time!!!


This strange feeling of illness is there but so minutely. It is age, I know. I wouldn't even want to be 57 or 47, certainly not bloody 67. Yes, a nice 37 and I'd be outside in my studio painting angels to accompany this article. Naughty good looking angels with wings and clean feet painting their Marys and Josephs . Me proud and even then feeling old: if only I was 37. No, 27 that was my age. Successfully, redesigning Rotterdam airport, painting huge canvasses with naughty naked people having fun. Exhibiting at Holdsworth's in Sydney, and The Hague and Amsterdam. Always having, me, not the paintings, a beer or six. Never drunk but always slightly tipsy. Talking with my mates, all the other painters about God knows what. A friend of mine, now probably dead, Ernst Nagel, a super intellectual always called me his 'Honorary Fascist' because I didn't worry too much about the demonstrations in front of the American Embassy in The Hague against the Viet-Nam war. His dad was a Professor of something at Leiden University and Sabientje Greve who was so snooty and posh she could hardly be understood and Marcel Hinze, who's dad was also a Professor of medicine at Utrecht University and Stephany Knage who lived with an old man. He must have been 30 and a journalist. And my beautiful Helena, my girlfriend, and as pretty as a picture Me just 20 or 21. Feeling the fresh air in my face and my body was agile and, not athletic, but perfectly in working condition. I'd walk through town feeling lovely in myself and look at all the other poor buggers and thank the Heavens I wasn't one of them. Hop on a bus or tram and look at all those poor other people. In a way this sounds arrogant but it wasn't, it was the truth, the facts of my life then.

One of my Budha's

Now I walk from my chair to the loo for a piss and feel every bone and muscle. My head is not synchronised with the house, the tv and half of the jokes I laugh at aloud but don't necessarily understand them.

Clemens, who is/was the epitome of health has a rash all over his body. Something with his blood or God knows what. He'll have to go to the doctors soon as the rash has turned now into tiny sores and is driving him crazy. But he wont go to the Dr, these vegetarian vegans heal themselves. I bet you $100 he'll not go!

I went to see my Dr yesterday but he's gone to the Philippines because his mother is not well so I'll just have to stay here but am already working out that in 14 days time the anti abuse pills will have worked out and I can be Paul again, not bloody Saintly Paul, certainly not Saint Paul. I don't really mean this, do I ?

What is this feeling? Don't let anybody tell me I need a God or something like that. I have more Gods living in and with me than the bloody Pope in Rome or the Kalif in Saudi-Arabia.


If I do become Saint Paul with my beautiful wings and visit this world I live in now: What will my advise be to people like me?

I think: Just have your drinks, don't become an embarrassing drunk and work hard.

You deserve it. must go back to bed and the clock now is 1.06.

Maybe I can dream I'm Saint Paul and playing backgammon with the other one starred Gods and drinking a cold beer or two, three.....

It is now 1.26.


1.56.Golden Madonna

Cannot sleep. My mind is doing over time.

But I just had a lovely thought about Lust.

Yes, LUST. What would this crazy hypocritical world be without it. Admittedly, I can only think about it : lust. No, that is not true. The other day I was crawling with the dogs for our 8 km walk and saw a young kid on a skateboard. He'd been just 16 or 17 and hopping on and of the pavement onto the road and back onto the pavement without even falling. I could not even stand on that bloody skateboard without falling on my face. How honestly jealous I felt and at the same time how honestly proud to be able to look at it. No lust, just a remembrance of lust.


I have a nephew Jeremy Bakker, who is an artist and I am very proud of him. At the moment he's in Japan. I cannot say I totally understand what he does but I do understand the lust for his work. A huge room, all white filled with little white ,I think paper, cones. Pyramid shaped cones and it looks great. It looks lustful.


I am very lucky I have 8 lovely nephews and nieces. All talented in their own way.


But Jeremy gets every night a special: Please God, look after Jeremy as he is an artist.

Does this make sense. No, of course not but that is between me and my Gods. And this little statue of the Vuirgin Mary I have in my room. Hail Mary, full of Grace.


One of my sister Margaretha and her husband Kevin's son got married this week. Andy Shirlaw and his new wife Nicky. Photo by brother Dave Shirlaw.He'd be one of the youngest and looks a little like a Hollywood film star! (photo by brother Dave Shirlaw)

By the way, did God have a wife? Jeremy has a girlfriend Angela now and both are in Nippon having a great time I hope. He also visited me in Portugal all those years ago and was an inspiration to me. How's that?

All the other ones, ALL, I ask for special attention and end my nightly praying with: Thank you God, don't have to say Mr. God any more as I am older than that poof, thank you for keeping me in such good health and giving us the two nicest dogs in the world. It is now 2.20

Well, that thank you for the perfect health is a little out of date but but but, who knows.

I'll buy a lottery ticket tomorrow!I just keep saving bottle tops. One day I'll build a pyramid out of them.